Me

-- I don't always remember to capitalize "I" when referring to myself as a person.

-- When I was little and had my first major growth spurt my legs got long... and the rest of my body never caught up.

-- I love eating Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough right out of the package.  Pillsbury is the best!

-- I want to travel.  Specifically to Caccuri in Italy, Greece, the Giza Plateau in Egypt, Romania, and New Zealand. 

-- I love being outdoors... but have never successfully gone camping, and I don't mean just sleeping in my grandmother's front yard in the tent with Mindy :-)

-- When I was growing up I would sneak into my grandparents garden and steal an onion or a potato and just eat it raw.  I think raw potatoes are wonderful.  I also stole apples, raspberries, and blueberries. 

-- I love cats.  I've always had a cat, since I was born.  If I lived in Ancient Egyptian times, I would have my cat mummified with me. 

-- I love to sing while driving.  My iPod is filled with playlists of just nothing but songs I can sing to.  I'm pretty sure that I get so into it that other drivers wonder what's wrong with me...

-- I wasn't born in a state, but right in the middle of the District of Columbia.  The hospital that I was born in (and later my sister), is also where my Dad's mother and older sister were born.  It has since been turned into condos.

-- I can't do a cartwheel. 

-- Even though I love to cook, I never get to do it very often.  Which leads most of my family to assume that I am void of any cooking ability.  Which isn't true... just void of cooking opportunity. 

-- I love music and will listen to just about anything with a good beat.  Even the occasional hip-hop/rap song.  My all time favorite though is either Rock or Showtunes which is an odd combination I know.  I also have more than a few scores and soundtracks, mostly by Hans Zimmer, Howard Shore, Danny Elfman, and James Horner.

-- I'm a Roma.  My mother is Roma.  My family is Roma.  And even though we are not connected directly to a family here in the states, I have been raised to appreciate our roots and our family.  I take great pride in being a Gypsy, and my abilities as a Gypsy. 

-- I love life.  I love my family.  I love my friends.  And I'm loyal even to the bitter end.  I don't keep a lot of people close, so those of you in my inner most confidence, you are my support system.  And I love you all :-)



"No matter how plain a woman may be if truth & loyalty are stamped upon her face all will be attracted to her."
--Eleanor Roosevelt

Craving More

It's really hard when you know exactly what you want... but you don't know how to get it.  And extremely frustrating when it's right there.  But then not.  But then there it is again... but wait it goes away again... and so on... and so on... until I become a quote, "GIANT SQUID OF ANGER!". 

Right now I'm sitting in my apartment in NJ.  I'm roughly 15minutes (without traffic) to NYC.  A city that I have wanted to live in basically since I was 2yrs old.  And while it's easy to say, "Uh impossible!" you would in fact... be wrong.

All of my favorite movies from my earliest memory involve NYC in some way.  The first movie I ever saw in the Cinema was Walt Disney's Oliver in Company.  Miracle on 34th Street, Annie, Godspell, Rent, Friends, Will & Grace... all of the shows/movies/musicals that I grew up with and loved were all set in NYC.

Now granted... my views have been skewed quite a bit over the years.  The city went from the friendly dwelling of the adorable orange tabby-cat Oliver to the gritty streets walked by Anthony Bourdain as he tried to score coke.  But even in my own journey I've found a happy medium between my two visions of the city.  (I'm not scoring coke).  

But was this all worth it?  There are days, most in fact, when I will defend my decision to the death.  This is where I was meant to be, this is where I will live forever now.

But there are other days, like today, when sometimes I think of past choices.  Roads not taken.  All it takes is a split second for fate to take you somewhere else.  

But lately (and yes I realize that's three "buts" three paragraphs in a row) I have seen a terrible pattern emerge.  My path is taking me away from the people I care about.  I am now a 12hr drive from my parents.  I miss them terribly.  I'm not in any kind of stable and lasting relationship.  Something I crave more than anything.  I have never been happier than waking up next to someone and getting to spend hours just being there.  Not having to get up, not having to move.  Just to be there in arms, with my head tucked into someone's neck.  I want that so badly that it hurts sometimes.  At this point, give me the right guy and I'll drop everything just to keep that.  My career isn't tied to one area.  That's the beauty of being a gypsy.  I go where my heart pulls me.

So heart... stop pulling me away from people.  Okay? 

Men

I love to people watch. On the bus, the subway, walking to work, but especially at work. Usually I get to see some really great moments, but yesterday... ugh.

Okay so there was this couple about my age. I can't even guess as to how long they've been together. But I can guess that they won't be together for long. At least I'd hope not.

First of all, they were in the Men's department... so shouldn't the guy be buying what he liked to wear? Just a crazy idea I had. He was carrying her bags from their previous shopping, and following her around as she picked out shirts and pants for him to try. He was clearly not interested. He would suggest something that he liked, and she would tell him no.

She was high pitched, excessively obnoxious.

Which brings me to my point...

Men are not supposed to be on a leash. They are our protectors, our support system, our companion through tough times and wonderful times. They shouldn't be emasculated. They shouldn't be treated like mindless morons.

One of my favorite shows ever, Coupling has a very funny quote:

Salesman - Pity...
Susan - Pity?
Salesman - Why do girls like you always have a boyfriend?
Susan - Because I have acute nymphomania and my own brewery.

That's basically what I feel guys want. A girl who will fit into their lifestyle. It's not that they don't want to be in a relationship, but they want to still be a man. Football, Beer, Movies, Boobs, Guys Night Out... they don't want to give that up just to accommodate a girl. Now I'm not saying that girls will have to enjoy all of these things... but to just take that into account.

Make compromises. He'll be more likely to go see a girl movie if you go to games with him. Romantic dinner dates and fun nights out at the bar with friends. Too much change too fast is destructive.

Be one of the guys... and wear a jersey every now and then... they really like that.

My best friend from college always called me a "Guy with Boobs". Because I was a part of the group without being the obnoxious girl. Not to say that they weren't aware that I did indeed have boobs... I was still flirted with and the subject of suggestive conversation now and then... but because it's a part of being in a group of guys. "That's what she said", sex, and gay jokes are part of the territory.

The only part that seems to backfire in my case... is that I apparently make a really good friend. And I blend into the group too well. I go from a potential girlfriend to "one of the guys". So where's the middle-ground? Maybe I'll find it someday.

Black patent leather high heels & my Redskin's jersey? *shrug*

Nancy and the Pope

I got this in an email today and nearly spit soda onto my keyboard!

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her!!!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

Changed for the Better

Okay... so my last post was a little on the depressing side. And deservedly so... I was depressed. I still am I guess, only now it's mellowing out.

The move to NYC helped me add the excitement that had been severely lacking in my life as of late. The adventure I needed to occupy my mind and keep me from going crazy. But the problems will always be here no matter what I do.

I'd been trying to move to NYC for sometime now. And it never seemed to be the right moment. I even met someone up here. He was amazing. And not in the over-the-top chic flick way... but in the refreshing and very real way. We'd been talking online for almost 2 years before we'd met in person. I was finally close enough to NYC that a weekend trip wasn't outrageous and expensive. And he completely spoiled me. Great food, great beer & wine, great company and his family was amazing. He treated me better than anyone had in my entire life besides my parents. A good guy through and through. The weekend was perfect and we quickly made plans for another one. Which was even better (despite my nose-diving life at the time). He surprised me with tickets to see my favorite band, and introduced me to his college friends.

Maybe I read to much into it. I don't know, and I will probably never know. For shortly after that for reasons I still dont understand our friendship seemed to just evaporate suddenly and completely. No more late night AIM conversations and hours txting back and forth. It's hard to go from constant communication to none. I lost my outlet for conversation. I lost my friend. And I still don't know why. It's hard. But it's life, my life.

So here I am, living in NYC and loving it except for the fact that the friends I had hoped to have aren't talking to me. What made it worse was the month of "yeah we'll see each other soon I promise" that I got to enjoy. I prefer the no contact to that actually. I got tired of the disappointment.

My job is fun. The people I work with great. I wish the hours and pay could be better, but I'm getting by. Maybe it's good that I don't have hang out buddies up here since I can't afford to go out anyway...

I've been cooking a lot. Hopefully this blog will turn into something better.

Hopefully I'll find someone human to talk to, because my cat just likes to eat my face. Which I guess in a way makes me feel better. I'd be lost without her.

Needs

Over the past few months things have been really iffy for me. Not survival iffy, but just socially and financially iffy in a way that's made me pretty fucking crazy. And not in an attractive way at all.

I thrive on human contact. I crave it. I absolutely hate to be alone. It terrifies me more than anything else in the world. Which I'm sure stems from the fact that growing up I have never had more than one close friend at a time. Not because I'm picky, but because for whatever reason I have never been well liked. Everytime i say this someone get's confused and says, "But why you're such a good person!" and I look at them and say, "I don't get it either."

I have always been the outcast. The girl there for you no matter what. Willing to do anything just in the offchance that one day I would suddenly be thought of when something cool is happening. It never happened. I was the reliable one when there was a problem that needed to be fixed. A shoulder to cry on. A relationship that needed to be saved. I don't know how many times I tried to help fix my ex's relationship with his on again off again girlfriend while simultaneously and sometimes unknowingly playing russian roulette with the same girl.

"It isn't you" is a phrase I've heard a lot. And that just seems to be it. "It's never me". For whatever reason the cards are never in my favor.

I just want to be appreciated. But appreciated in a way that surpasses just because I'm there to help bail you out of a problem so that you can get over it and disapear again until next time.

I hate being negative, and I try to surround myself with the positive. Just once I want to be the positive in someone's life in a way that makes me valuable enough to keep around always. I'm tired of being the short-term fun for a little while companion.

My heart cannot take it. Am I just too damaged now? Too much baggage and hurt that I've become a pain in the ass to everyone??

Just tell me so I can accept this and move on. No more games. I don't want to play anymore :-(

Gypsy - Shakira

Verse 1
Broke my heart
On the road
Spent the weekend
Sewing the pieces back on

Friends and thoughts pass me by
Walking gets too boring
When you learn how to fly

Not the homecoming kind
Take the top off
And who knows what you might find

Won't confess all my sins
You can bet I'll try it
But I can't always win


Chorus
'Cause I'm a gypsy
Are you coming with me?
I might steal your clothes
And wear them if they fit me
I never made agreements
Just like a gypsy
And I won't back down
'Cause life's already bit me
And I won't cry
I'm too young to die
If you're gonna quit me
'Cause I'm a gypsy

('Cause I'm a gypsy)


Verse 2
I can't hide
what I've done
Scars remind me
Of just how far that I've come

To whom it may concern
Only run with scissors
When you want to get hurt

Repeat Chorus

I said hey you
You're no fool
If you say 'NO'
Ain't it just the way life goes?
People fear what they don't know
Come along for the ride, Oh yeah
Come along for the ride, whoo-hoo

Trust and Faith

I'm trying to stay positive. It feels like the end of the dark tunnel is in sight, but then it disappears back into the distance.

I have the opportunity to really take a new direction in my life. But my past mistakes are still haunting me. I care so much about people. I'm a fiercely loyal person, and it crushes me to be the recipient of ill treatment.

I'm not the best judge of relationships. Both of my serious relationships ended in seeming disaster. I tried so hard to keep them happy. But with things going so wrong for my family over the past few months, I couldn't keep everything together. Between the family stress and the money stress I snapped. I came home in tears on too many occasions I guess. He didn't want to babysit or hear my troubles. Was okay with the happiness associated with being in a relationship, but the minute things got to hard or real for him he took off. Needed to go in a different direction. It hurts. I really needed him. He was the one thing I could count on to make me smile and forget about my problems. I put too much faith into him -- because I am such a deeply caring person i assumed he was in it for the long run. Not until it was no longer convenient. I wish I could be sure, but he's not speaking to me anymore.

I don't want to be babied or taken care of. I can be independent. I've been taking care of myself. It's the emotional roller coaster I can't handle anymore. Do I open myself up again, only to be shot down again? I feel like I'm just too much for anyone to handle. I try so hard to be more stoic about things. Is that what men want? I don't want to be a cold frigid bitch. But I guess that's better than a caring, loyal, loving woman.

Who knows. But I can't keep going through this. I don't deserve it. And he knew that. he told me that. So if he knew that, knew so much about me, knew my history... why would he willingly do it?

As Time Goes By

In just a few short weeks I will be relocating to the DC Metro Area and I am so excited! For over ten years now I've been serving what felt like a prison sentence in North Carolina and finally been granted a parole for good behavior.

On January 21st, the day before I turn 25, I begin my new job as the Production Stage Manager at Adventure Theatre for their Winter Conservatory Production of Alice In Wonderland Jr. My first professional contract outside of Temple Theatre.

Growing up in Montgomery County, MD meant that I am already familiar with Glen Echo Park and the Adventure Theatre. My mother brought Emily and me there all the time to ride the Carousel, or to see an afternoon performance at the theatre.


The park itself is exactly as I remembered it. The carousel has been closed for the winter, but peeking inside I see familiar faces covered already in dust, waiting for Spring to arrive so they can run again. The Bumper Car Pavilion looks ready for action, and even the Crystal Pool is there like a silent reminder of summers filled with laughing kids.

I played in this park just like my Dad did before me. And his mother before him. Glen Echo has been a friend to us for so long. I can't wait to get to work!

Trying to Stay Focused

Testing my patience
Realizing that life isn't what you thought it was
Yearning to find some kind of completeness
Intense periods of insanity
Needing time to think
Gasping for air
To tired to sleep
Over and over
Sick and dying
Time to move on
Always waiting for the right moment to speak
Yesterday's dream is tonight's nightmare
Feeling alone
Out of touch
Confused
Unimportant
Searching for the answer to life's riddle
Everyone seems to be happier than me
Damned to a life of constant emotional struggle

The Media & Politics

I just saw a video on CNN.com where Obama is questioned on his sudden nomination of Hilary Clinton as his Sec. of State... and the reporter pointed out that during the campaign Obama did nothing but belittle and ridicule her foreign policy as being faulty and a joke. Now he's "going back on his earlier statements" by saying she is the most qualified for that role.

Now... am I the only one in the country who understands... if Obama did nothing but praise her foreign policy and her standards and her methods... would he be President!? Was he supposed to say, "Well we're both qualified... but I want it more!" and not try to make his platform sound better?

Leave him alone and let him do the job we elected him to do.

The video:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/12/01/campbell.brown.clinton/index.html

Go All the Way (Into the Twilight)

I've never really given into "the crowd" when it comes to books and movies and such... My tastes are eclectic and usually odd compared to the rest of the world. So when I was sitting in the theatre to see Twilight, surrounded by annoying teenage girls here only because of some hottie I was very skeptical about what was about to take place.

Needless to say I was pleasantly surprised. Despite the expected squeal from the girls when Edward arrives on screen for the first time -- the movie was great. And just what I needed... It was a romance. And not a cheesy Harlequin Novel... the story was worthy of Austin or Brontë.

If you've been living under a rock for the past few months -- here's the deal. Edward Cullen is a several hundred year old Vampire living in the mountains of WA with his "family". A pack of vegetarian vampires (meaning they don't feed on humans -- just wild animals). They attend the local high school, but are very quiet and keep to themselves. That is until Bella moves into town. She's the first new kid since the Cullens, so naturally the small school notices her. As does Edward. Partnered up in Science Class Edward appears to become nauseous around her -- and so avoids her at all costs. They are both drawn to eachother however, and soon Edward is leaping infront of an out of control car about to smash Bella into a bleeding pulp. She is saved... and Edward is exposed. He tells her that he can't controll himself around her, that she is the first human he has craved in a long time... he wants her blood. And... just like I would -- Bella is suddenly drawn to Edward so strongly that she riskes her life to be with him.

Of course the story has to have action -- and during a baseball game (naturally) with the Cullen family Bella is suddenly confronted by a pack of Vampires (the non pussy kind). One of whom, Jacob -- suddenly becomes obsessed with destroying Bella, if for nothing else then sport.

Car chases and Fights later Jacob is dead and Edward had to risk tasting Bella's blood to save her. End the story with Prom and you've got the perfect blend of Jane Austin and Stephanie Meyers.

My life needed a romance. A boy who would risk everything he was to be with a girl. There will always be a part of me who wants a Knight in Shinning Armor and falls into a puddle at the thought meeting him. Do they make men like that anymore? I doubt it... but it's always possible. Meanwhile... I'll be stalking vampires for a while.

Steam

Life is a funny circle.  My life is anyway.  I go to work, and sleep.  I have no personal life -- nor do I really have time for one.  Which really sucks.  The last time I got to see my best friend I had to leave after a show, drive 3 hours and spent the 5 hours I was there sleeping... because it was the middle of the night and I had to leave by 6AM!!

I'm trying hard to be happy by myself... I was told that I was being selfish for wanting to be happy with someone.  What's the point of having someone if they aren't supposed to make you happy... if we were supposed to be happy alone we wouldn't have this great desire to have a companion.  

ARG!!

I need a life.  I need a friend.  I need everything right now.

I'm having mini panic attacks at almost regular intervals these days.  I don't know how much more I can take before I completely shut down.  The only thing keeping me out of bed these days is the desire to not get fired.  

All I Wanna Do...

I've fallen in love with the "New" movie Music and Lyrics starring Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore.  It's a cute movie about a has-been Pop artist writting a new song for his comeback, and falling in love with his lyricist.  This is the song they come up with:


[Verse 1]
(Drew Barrymore)
I've been living with a shadow overhead,
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed,
I've been lonely for so long,
Trapped in the past,
I just can't seem to move on!

(Hugh Grant)
I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away,
Just in case I ever need them again someday,
I've been setting aside time,
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind!

[Chorus]
(Both)
All I want to do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it true without a way back into love.
Oooooh.

[Verse 2]
(Drew Barrymore)
I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine,
I've been searching but i just don't see the signs,
I know that it's out there,
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere!

(Hugh Grant)
I've been looking for someone to shed some light,
Not somebody just to get me through the night,
I could use some direction,
And I'm open to your suggestions.

[Chorus]
(Both)
All I want to do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it through without a way back into love.
And if I open my heart again,
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end!
Oooooooh, Ooooooh, Ooooooh.

[Middle-eight]
(Drew Barrymore)
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

[Chorus]
(Both)
All I want to do is find a way back into love,
I can't make it through without a way back into love,
And if I open my heart to you,
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do,
And if you help me to start again,
You know that I'll be there for you in the end!

A quick rant

You know what's not fair?  I've been alive for almost 23 years now... and while my early childhood really doesn't count... I've been dating guys for ten years now.  And in these ten years... I've never had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day... and I've never been kissed on New Year's.  I always get so depressed during holidays where it's almost like the rest of the world gets to flaunt their relationships.  

My heart just aches to be filled with love again.  Surrounded by people and I feel alone and useless.


Happy Fucking New Year =\

My Hopes for 2008

I have created this new blog in hopes that it will help me on my path to becoming a strong and independent [adult] woman.  I am graduating from college in 5 months, and with this final ceremony I shall be ready to take my place in the world.  But there is so much that I must mentally prepare myself for.

This blog will guide me, by using it as a sounding board where I can post my hopes and my dreams for the upcoming year.  



My Career
Upon returning home for Christmas break, I was approached by the Artistic Director of my hometown theatre.  She has offered me a full-time position as a Stage Manager, both of the new Black Box Theatre and the Youth Conservatory Programs.  When I am not working in these jobs, I shall be serving as ASM for all Main Stage productions, helping around in the Box Office, set construction, or anything else that could possibly be done.  I am so excited to work here, as this gives me the opportunity to work with some of the best people in the business.  Our Artistic Director, Peggy Taphorn, is bringing in some of her friends from Broadway to use Temple as a place where they can preview their new shows before sending them on to open up in NYC.  I will be learning from the best, and that excites me more than I ever imagined.

From Temple, I plan on going to either LA or Las Vegas for a little while.  What I really want to do is try to go to LA during "Pilot Season".  Go to audition after audition trying to get parts on new TV shows being pitched to the networks.  And... it's really silly... but I want to work in an "Amusement Park" setting like Disney World... or even Universal Studios when the new "Harry Potter" park opens.  I want to make children smile, and believe that even their favorite characters can come to life.  What happened to imaginations, and childhood dreams?  

My Love Life
I have always been unlucky in love.  Over the past few years, from High School on, I've had this horrible knack for falling for guys who either want to use me or who can't seem to ever just... be with me.  There was always something holding them back.  Everyone I talk to tells me that I'm obviously doing something wrong.  But what?  It is true that I keep few close friends.  I have one best friend, and he is almost impossible to replace.  The men that I let close to me, I do it for a reason.  I trust them.  I enjoy having someone that I can cuddle with and fall asleep with while watching movies.  I've never really been a fan of "Friends with Benefits".  It's great for some people, but not for me.  A guy said to me it was because I'd never tried it, I don't really talk to him anymore because of it, which sucks... 'cause he used to be a good friend of mine.  Am I being a silly prude?  I don't believe so.  I'd rather be alone than used by my "friends".  

What I want... is to be with someone who wants to be with me.  Not just my body.  Why can't everyone be like P?  He made me feel so good about myself everyday.  Just by smiling at me and telling me how much he loves my smile.  Or how beautiful I was even though I had horrible bed hair.  We could sit around and play video games all day, or go on crazy and silly road trips to nowhere.  He is so funny, and he makes me smile.  I love him dearly.  I'm just so lost... maybe this year will bring clairity?

Love,
Sari