Craving More

It's really hard when you know exactly what you want... but you don't know how to get it.  And extremely frustrating when it's right there.  But then not.  But then there it is again... but wait it goes away again... and so on... and so on... until I become a quote, "GIANT SQUID OF ANGER!". 

Right now I'm sitting in my apartment in NJ.  I'm roughly 15minutes (without traffic) to NYC.  A city that I have wanted to live in basically since I was 2yrs old.  And while it's easy to say, "Uh impossible!" you would in fact... be wrong.

All of my favorite movies from my earliest memory involve NYC in some way.  The first movie I ever saw in the Cinema was Walt Disney's Oliver in Company.  Miracle on 34th Street, Annie, Godspell, Rent, Friends, Will & Grace... all of the shows/movies/musicals that I grew up with and loved were all set in NYC.

Now granted... my views have been skewed quite a bit over the years.  The city went from the friendly dwelling of the adorable orange tabby-cat Oliver to the gritty streets walked by Anthony Bourdain as he tried to score coke.  But even in my own journey I've found a happy medium between my two visions of the city.  (I'm not scoring coke).  

But was this all worth it?  There are days, most in fact, when I will defend my decision to the death.  This is where I was meant to be, this is where I will live forever now.

But there are other days, like today, when sometimes I think of past choices.  Roads not taken.  All it takes is a split second for fate to take you somewhere else.  

But lately (and yes I realize that's three "buts" three paragraphs in a row) I have seen a terrible pattern emerge.  My path is taking me away from the people I care about.  I am now a 12hr drive from my parents.  I miss them terribly.  I'm not in any kind of stable and lasting relationship.  Something I crave more than anything.  I have never been happier than waking up next to someone and getting to spend hours just being there.  Not having to get up, not having to move.  Just to be there in arms, with my head tucked into someone's neck.  I want that so badly that it hurts sometimes.  At this point, give me the right guy and I'll drop everything just to keep that.  My career isn't tied to one area.  That's the beauty of being a gypsy.  I go where my heart pulls me.

So heart... stop pulling me away from people.  Okay?