Craving More

It's really hard when you know exactly what you want... but you don't know how to get it.  And extremely frustrating when it's right there.  But then not.  But then there it is again... but wait it goes away again... and so on... and so on... until I become a quote, "GIANT SQUID OF ANGER!". 

Right now I'm sitting in my apartment in NJ.  I'm roughly 15minutes (without traffic) to NYC.  A city that I have wanted to live in basically since I was 2yrs old.  And while it's easy to say, "Uh impossible!" you would in fact... be wrong.

All of my favorite movies from my earliest memory involve NYC in some way.  The first movie I ever saw in the Cinema was Walt Disney's Oliver in Company.  Miracle on 34th Street, Annie, Godspell, Rent, Friends, Will & Grace... all of the shows/movies/musicals that I grew up with and loved were all set in NYC.

Now granted... my views have been skewed quite a bit over the years.  The city went from the friendly dwelling of the adorable orange tabby-cat Oliver to the gritty streets walked by Anthony Bourdain as he tried to score coke.  But even in my own journey I've found a happy medium between my two visions of the city.  (I'm not scoring coke).  

But was this all worth it?  There are days, most in fact, when I will defend my decision to the death.  This is where I was meant to be, this is where I will live forever now.

But there are other days, like today, when sometimes I think of past choices.  Roads not taken.  All it takes is a split second for fate to take you somewhere else.  

But lately (and yes I realize that's three "buts" three paragraphs in a row) I have seen a terrible pattern emerge.  My path is taking me away from the people I care about.  I am now a 12hr drive from my parents.  I miss them terribly.  I'm not in any kind of stable and lasting relationship.  Something I crave more than anything.  I have never been happier than waking up next to someone and getting to spend hours just being there.  Not having to get up, not having to move.  Just to be there in arms, with my head tucked into someone's neck.  I want that so badly that it hurts sometimes.  At this point, give me the right guy and I'll drop everything just to keep that.  My career isn't tied to one area.  That's the beauty of being a gypsy.  I go where my heart pulls me.

So heart... stop pulling me away from people.  Okay? 

Men

I love to people watch. On the bus, the subway, walking to work, but especially at work. Usually I get to see some really great moments, but yesterday... ugh.

Okay so there was this couple about my age. I can't even guess as to how long they've been together. But I can guess that they won't be together for long. At least I'd hope not.

First of all, they were in the Men's department... so shouldn't the guy be buying what he liked to wear? Just a crazy idea I had. He was carrying her bags from their previous shopping, and following her around as she picked out shirts and pants for him to try. He was clearly not interested. He would suggest something that he liked, and she would tell him no.

She was high pitched, excessively obnoxious.

Which brings me to my point...

Men are not supposed to be on a leash. They are our protectors, our support system, our companion through tough times and wonderful times. They shouldn't be emasculated. They shouldn't be treated like mindless morons.

One of my favorite shows ever, Coupling has a very funny quote:

Salesman - Pity...
Susan - Pity?
Salesman - Why do girls like you always have a boyfriend?
Susan - Because I have acute nymphomania and my own brewery.

That's basically what I feel guys want. A girl who will fit into their lifestyle. It's not that they don't want to be in a relationship, but they want to still be a man. Football, Beer, Movies, Boobs, Guys Night Out... they don't want to give that up just to accommodate a girl. Now I'm not saying that girls will have to enjoy all of these things... but to just take that into account.

Make compromises. He'll be more likely to go see a girl movie if you go to games with him. Romantic dinner dates and fun nights out at the bar with friends. Too much change too fast is destructive.

Be one of the guys... and wear a jersey every now and then... they really like that.

My best friend from college always called me a "Guy with Boobs". Because I was a part of the group without being the obnoxious girl. Not to say that they weren't aware that I did indeed have boobs... I was still flirted with and the subject of suggestive conversation now and then... but because it's a part of being in a group of guys. "That's what she said", sex, and gay jokes are part of the territory.

The only part that seems to backfire in my case... is that I apparently make a really good friend. And I blend into the group too well. I go from a potential girlfriend to "one of the guys". So where's the middle-ground? Maybe I'll find it someday.

Black patent leather high heels & my Redskin's jersey? *shrug*

Nancy and the Pope

I got this in an email today and nearly spit soda onto my keyboard!

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her!!!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

Changed for the Better

Okay... so my last post was a little on the depressing side. And deservedly so... I was depressed. I still am I guess, only now it's mellowing out.

The move to NYC helped me add the excitement that had been severely lacking in my life as of late. The adventure I needed to occupy my mind and keep me from going crazy. But the problems will always be here no matter what I do.

I'd been trying to move to NYC for sometime now. And it never seemed to be the right moment. I even met someone up here. He was amazing. And not in the over-the-top chic flick way... but in the refreshing and very real way. We'd been talking online for almost 2 years before we'd met in person. I was finally close enough to NYC that a weekend trip wasn't outrageous and expensive. And he completely spoiled me. Great food, great beer & wine, great company and his family was amazing. He treated me better than anyone had in my entire life besides my parents. A good guy through and through. The weekend was perfect and we quickly made plans for another one. Which was even better (despite my nose-diving life at the time). He surprised me with tickets to see my favorite band, and introduced me to his college friends.

Maybe I read to much into it. I don't know, and I will probably never know. For shortly after that for reasons I still dont understand our friendship seemed to just evaporate suddenly and completely. No more late night AIM conversations and hours txting back and forth. It's hard to go from constant communication to none. I lost my outlet for conversation. I lost my friend. And I still don't know why. It's hard. But it's life, my life.

So here I am, living in NYC and loving it except for the fact that the friends I had hoped to have aren't talking to me. What made it worse was the month of "yeah we'll see each other soon I promise" that I got to enjoy. I prefer the no contact to that actually. I got tired of the disappointment.

My job is fun. The people I work with great. I wish the hours and pay could be better, but I'm getting by. Maybe it's good that I don't have hang out buddies up here since I can't afford to go out anyway...

I've been cooking a lot. Hopefully this blog will turn into something better.

Hopefully I'll find someone human to talk to, because my cat just likes to eat my face. Which I guess in a way makes me feel better. I'd be lost without her.

Needs

Over the past few months things have been really iffy for me. Not survival iffy, but just socially and financially iffy in a way that's made me pretty fucking crazy. And not in an attractive way at all.

I thrive on human contact. I crave it. I absolutely hate to be alone. It terrifies me more than anything else in the world. Which I'm sure stems from the fact that growing up I have never had more than one close friend at a time. Not because I'm picky, but because for whatever reason I have never been well liked. Everytime i say this someone get's confused and says, "But why you're such a good person!" and I look at them and say, "I don't get it either."

I have always been the outcast. The girl there for you no matter what. Willing to do anything just in the offchance that one day I would suddenly be thought of when something cool is happening. It never happened. I was the reliable one when there was a problem that needed to be fixed. A shoulder to cry on. A relationship that needed to be saved. I don't know how many times I tried to help fix my ex's relationship with his on again off again girlfriend while simultaneously and sometimes unknowingly playing russian roulette with the same girl.

"It isn't you" is a phrase I've heard a lot. And that just seems to be it. "It's never me". For whatever reason the cards are never in my favor.

I just want to be appreciated. But appreciated in a way that surpasses just because I'm there to help bail you out of a problem so that you can get over it and disapear again until next time.

I hate being negative, and I try to surround myself with the positive. Just once I want to be the positive in someone's life in a way that makes me valuable enough to keep around always. I'm tired of being the short-term fun for a little while companion.

My heart cannot take it. Am I just too damaged now? Too much baggage and hurt that I've become a pain in the ass to everyone??

Just tell me so I can accept this and move on. No more games. I don't want to play anymore :-(

Gypsy - Shakira

Verse 1
Broke my heart
On the road
Spent the weekend
Sewing the pieces back on

Friends and thoughts pass me by
Walking gets too boring
When you learn how to fly

Not the homecoming kind
Take the top off
And who knows what you might find

Won't confess all my sins
You can bet I'll try it
But I can't always win


Chorus
'Cause I'm a gypsy
Are you coming with me?
I might steal your clothes
And wear them if they fit me
I never made agreements
Just like a gypsy
And I won't back down
'Cause life's already bit me
And I won't cry
I'm too young to die
If you're gonna quit me
'Cause I'm a gypsy

('Cause I'm a gypsy)


Verse 2
I can't hide
what I've done
Scars remind me
Of just how far that I've come

To whom it may concern
Only run with scissors
When you want to get hurt

Repeat Chorus

I said hey you
You're no fool
If you say 'NO'
Ain't it just the way life goes?
People fear what they don't know
Come along for the ride, Oh yeah
Come along for the ride, whoo-hoo