Needs

Over the past few months things have been really iffy for me. Not survival iffy, but just socially and financially iffy in a way that's made me pretty fucking crazy. And not in an attractive way at all.

I thrive on human contact. I crave it. I absolutely hate to be alone. It terrifies me more than anything else in the world. Which I'm sure stems from the fact that growing up I have never had more than one close friend at a time. Not because I'm picky, but because for whatever reason I have never been well liked. Everytime i say this someone get's confused and says, "But why you're such a good person!" and I look at them and say, "I don't get it either."

I have always been the outcast. The girl there for you no matter what. Willing to do anything just in the offchance that one day I would suddenly be thought of when something cool is happening. It never happened. I was the reliable one when there was a problem that needed to be fixed. A shoulder to cry on. A relationship that needed to be saved. I don't know how many times I tried to help fix my ex's relationship with his on again off again girlfriend while simultaneously and sometimes unknowingly playing russian roulette with the same girl.

"It isn't you" is a phrase I've heard a lot. And that just seems to be it. "It's never me". For whatever reason the cards are never in my favor.

I just want to be appreciated. But appreciated in a way that surpasses just because I'm there to help bail you out of a problem so that you can get over it and disapear again until next time.

I hate being negative, and I try to surround myself with the positive. Just once I want to be the positive in someone's life in a way that makes me valuable enough to keep around always. I'm tired of being the short-term fun for a little while companion.

My heart cannot take it. Am I just too damaged now? Too much baggage and hurt that I've become a pain in the ass to everyone??

Just tell me so I can accept this and move on. No more games. I don't want to play anymore :-(